Chapter 5: Good Enough

(Song: Nightwish - Amaranth)

Jacob quietly made his way through the back of the Swans’ grounds. He ran an agitated hand through his disheveled hair as he wearily continued to trudge across the uneven terrain. Somehow, he’d managed to keep his stumbling to a minimum. Of course, it may have been because of his determination to make it to Bella’s room despite the incredibly late hour.

He hoped she was still awake.

He prayed she was.

He really needed her right now or he’d lose his mind. What was left of it anyway.

He’d tried his best to get some sleep, but it seemed sleep had been an elusive thing over the last month. Now, with the wedding looming only a week away, it seemed he couldn’t even close his eyes without something interfering with his sleep. His brain was on information overload, running several miles per second, preventing him from shutting himself down long enough to calmly fall asleep.

He was running himself ragged lately, but he couldn’t figure out what else he could possibly do to lighten his load. There were just too many things he needed to be responsible for, too many things on his plate. He was desperately trying to keep up with his classes as well as put in hours at work so he’d be ready to take over the business once the time came. On top of that, he had to worry about his upcoming wedding as well as put up with his parents demands and those of Vanessa’s.

Nothing seemed to be easy at the moment. His parents, Vanessa, work and even school all seemed to be conspiring against him as he was bombarded from all directions with deadlines and demands. He hadn’t minded the hard labor he always put in at work and in school, but the additional stuff was killing him.

That and the fact that he didn’t have his best friend to lean on was the straw that had finally broken the camel’s back. Embry was a good friend, a close friend, but he didn’t know Jacob the way Bella did. Only Bella could have helped him get through the madness that was his life these days. Only she could help him make some sense of it all, but he hadn’t been allowed any time to see her, much less talk to her on the phone.

So that night, his second sleepless night, he’d finally reached his limit and snuck out of his house long after everyone had gone to sleep. He didn’t know what else to do except follow his instinct and it told him to go to the only person who still seemed to be in his corner.

Bella.

Reaching her house, he glanced up and nearly wept at the sight of the soft glow filtering out from around the blinds of her room. It was enough to give him the burst of energy he needed to climb up the side of the house and swing up into her balcony. Reaching out a shaking hand, he let out his breath upon discovering she still left her door unlocked. Sliding it open, he pushed the blinds aside and stepped into her room.

His heart stopped at the sight of her in bed. She was lying on her side, facing away from him, her steady breathing indicating she was asleep. A whimper escaped his lips.

Bella rolled over at the sound and started to smile at the sight of Jacob until his appearance and the look on his face registered.

“Jake?” she asked with concern.

A lone tear slid down his cheek as he took a step towards her, glad she was awake after all. She tossed the book she’d been reading aside while she leaped up and hurried to him.

“Jacob, what’s wrong?” Now she sounded a bit alarmed.

Jacob couldn’t answer as he wrapped his arms around her, clinging so tightly as if she was the only thing that would keep him from drowning. As she wrapped her arms around him, he finally broke down, letting go of all the stress and worry from the past month or so.

It was enough to bring him to his knees and Bella willingly went with him, never once letting him go. They sank to the floor together where she continued to hold him. Occasionally she ran a soothing hand through his hair and over his back while whispering words of comfort. Never once did she falter in her embrace, nor her soothing words. She waited patiently until he had no more tears left to shed.

When his body had settled to a slight trembling from the harsh jerks that had accompanied his sobs, she leaned back to look into his eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it, Jake?”

His eyes were glossy, a stray tear leaked down his face as he let out a shuddering breath before whispering in a broken voice.

“What am I supposed to do?”

Bella’s heart broke at the sadness and hopelessness she could hear in his voice. “What do you mean?”

He shook his head, “I’m not ready…I’m…I’m just not…ready.”

Bella sighed as she brushed his hair from his face. “Jake, why don’t we sit on the bed okay? Let’s get comfortable then you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

She waited until he nodded before giving him a hand up. Still holding his hand, she led him to her bed where she fluffed up her pillows against the headboard then settled back against it. She patted the space next to her then held her hand out to Jacob who took it and allowed her to pull him down besides her.

Once they had made themselves comfortable, with Jacob leaning against her side and their hands entwined in her lap, she asked him to tell her what was on his mind.

The sigh he gave was full of unspoken burdens and fear. “Bells, I’m not…not ready to be a dad.”

She squeezed his hand. “Oh Jake, I’m sorry. I know you’re not, but…”

“And…and I’m not ready to get married…to Vanessa.”

Bella went silent at those words, he’d seemed so sure of it all the times they’d spoken before, she wondered what had changed.

Her silence allowed Jacob to go on as all of his worry, fear and frustration finally bubbled forth.

“I hate that I’ve...I’ve let my dad down! I’ve let everyone down! My family…my friends! Even you Bells! I broke the promise we made all those years ago! It’s all just eating me alive! And I can’t focus on work or school because of it! I can’t concentrate on anything to save my life! There’s so much pressure coming at me from all sides!”

He gritted his teeth as he glared down at his legs as if they were the source of his agitation. “And Vanessa just won’t stop breathing down my neck at every turn! I haven’t had a moments peace because she’s constantly harping at me about the damn wedding!”

Bella stared at him as he finished his tirade. The look on his face was now mostly frustration and anger. It made her wonder if there was more to it than he’d said.

Jacob closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard. Bella studied his profile, noting the lines of stress across his forehead and the way his brows seemed permanently drawn down in a frown.

Swallowing, she decided it was finally time to ask the question she’d been dreading for so long.

“Jake?” she whispered.

He opened his eyes and turned to look at her, waiting for her to go on.

She took a deep breath. “Do you…love Vanessa?”

He blinked as her words registered in his mind. It was the same question his mother had asked the day after he’d told his parents that he was marrying Vanessa. This time however, he wasn’t going to beat around the bush.

Sighing he looked away from his best friend and stared at nothing before he shook his head. “I do, but…I’m not…in love with her.”

Bella frowned. “What?”

Jacob shrugged. “I’ve thought about it, you know. When I actually had time to think without my head being so full of everything. And…I just can’t see myself spending my life with her…I don’t see our future. Mom always said a person would know they were in love when they couldn’t imagine a life without that other person. And the thing is…I can still imagine a life without Vanessa.”

Bella looked down at their entwined hands and shook her head. “I don’t understand. Why are you marrying her then?”

He sighed as he turned to look at her again. “I thought it was the right thing to do Bells. I’m doing it for the baby.”

She looked into his eyes for a few moments before she gave him a sympathetic smile. “Jake, I get that you’re trying to do right by that child, but you don’t have to marry the baby’s mother if you’re not in love with her.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what else to do. How am I going to show that I’m responsible for it if I don’t want to…”

She squeezed his hand. “Jake, there are other ways to take care of the baby even without marrying Vanessa. You know this! Your father could help you with that too. You should talk to him Jake. Tell him everything you’ve told me. Just be honest with him the way you’re being with me.”

He scowled. “My dad won’t listen to me! He stopped hearing me out after I told him I was getting married.”

“He’s only being that way because he thinks you’re making a huge mistake. Just talk to him, okay? Your father loves you and I know he only wants what’s best for you. If you go to him and tell him how you really feel, he’ll see that you mean it and he’ll help you. Think about it Jacob…I know your father will know how to help you…and if not, he’ll find someone who can.”

Jacob just sat there thinking about what Bella said. He knew he wasn’t the first man out there to have a child out of wedlock, but he didn’t think it would look good if he just set Vanessa and the baby aside as if they were nothing to him.

“Do you think dad could help me set something up so that at least my kid will be taken care of…no matter what happens?” He asked as he ran a hand through his tousled hair.

Bella nodded. “Yes. That’s why our dads have really good lawyers working for the company, Jake. I’m sure he would consult with one of them. You could even do it yourself.”

At his nod she added, “Whatever happens Jake, you know I’ll be there for you if you need me. I’ll even go with you to talk to the lawyer or your dad if you want me too.”

Nudging his shoulder with hers, she grinned at him. “I got your back!”

(Song: Evanescence - Anywhere)

Jacob couldn’t help but grin back as she lifted her fist towards him so that he could bump his fist with hers they way they’d always jokingly done so whenever one of them uttered that phrase.

“Thanks Bells! I’m glad you’ve always got my back.”

“Ah, you know it’s only natural. You’ve always had my back, so we’re even.”

He squeezed her hand and sighed. “True. At least we’ve always had each other no matter what we went through.”

“Yep. I’m glad you were there with me for a lot of things I went through growing up.”

He chuckled. “Hm…like the trip to the clinic not long after your eighteenth birthday?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a chuckle of her own.

Bella stood nervously staring up at the lighted sign over the entrance to the clinic. Jacob squeezed her hand as he noticed her hesitation and the fear in her eyes.


“Bells, honey, you don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”


She shook her head and held it up high. “No, I’m doing this. Let’s go!”


With that, she nearly dragged Jacob inside and up to the counter to let the receptionist know she was there for her scheduled appointment. Bella was supposed to have gone with her mother that day, after all, it had been Renee’s idea to put her eighteen year old daughter on birth control pills in the first place.


Renee had made the appointment, but at the last minute she and Charlie had gotten stuck out of town and couldn’t make it back in time. Renee had called Bella and told her they could just reschedule for another time, but Bella insisted that she could do it on her own.


Bella had paced in her room, watching the digits on the clock get closer and closer to the time of the appointment until she’d panicked and impulsively rushed to Jacob’s balcony before she could change her mind. Once she’d climbed into his room, she couldn’t get the words out right, suddenly thinking he’d laugh at her or think she was insane for asking him to go with her to a place like that.


Luckily for her, he’d done his best to stifle his laughter and simply teased her with an “aw, does wittle Bella need her big, bwave best friend to hold her hand?”


When her eyes had gotten large and round and her lips had begun to tremble, he’d quickly dropped his teasing and wrapped his arms around her.


“It’s okay, honey. I’ll go with you. You know I’ll be there for you whenever you need me.”


She hugged him tightly. “Th-thanks Jake. I…I thought I could do this by myself but…”


“No problem Bells, but you know you can cancel the appointment for another day if you wanted to.”


She sighed. “I…I know.”


So he had driven her to the clinic, holding her hand the whole way, trying to lend her the strength and support she’d needed. As they sat in the waiting room, Bella leaned in and whispered low enough to keep the conversation between them.


“I’m not…keeping you from…Alicia am I?”


He smiled at her. “Nope. I’m not keeping you from Robert am I?”


She stuck her tongue out at him. He knew she’d only gone out with Robert twice and she still hadn’t decided if she wanted to seriously date him, unlike Alicia who’d jumped at the chance to be called Jacob Black’s girlfriend.


Bella’s name was called before Jacob could add another retort, so he’d simply squeezed her hand and told her he’d be right there waiting for her when she was done. She’d taken a deep breath and gone with the nurse, then sat in a backless hospital gown in a little, cold room where the OB/GYN explained what was going to take place.


Then she’d laid on her back, staring at the ceiling, trying to put on a brave front as the doctor worked around her. Even though the woman constantly talked Bella through everything she was doing, Bella had simply tuned her out and concentrated on breathing thorough the discomfort of the procedure.


After it was done, the doctor let her get dressed, then met with her in her office where she explained about birth control pills and answered any questions Bella had.


Bella left the doctor’s office with a prescription and a slight blush, unable to look into Jacob’s eyes when he’d stood up and asked if everything had gone okay.


She’d mumbled, “I’m okay. Got a prescription.”

He’d nodded at the papers she held up for him to see, then followed her out of the building. Not a word was spoken as he held doors open for her and drove her back to her house where she’d mumbled another, “Thanks Jake” before scrambling out of his car and high-tailing it into her house.


Needless to say, she’d gone to all of her appointments on her own after that, but she still remained grateful to Jacob for his support and tact that day.

This time Bella didn’t blush when he brought it up. She simply laughed with him as they remembered that awkward day together.

“Ha ha! I’d like to see you go through that, you dork! You’re lucky you’re a guy!”

“Whatever! You know I’ve been caught with my pants down too!”

Bella snickered. “Oh yeah! Jessica’s dad wanted to have you jailed for statutory rape! Too bad his daughter was already over the legal consenting age and had already slept with nearly the entire football team by the time she got to you!”

He made a face. “Yeah, glad I got caught, who knows what she could’ve given me.”

“Oh please, you’re just as bad as she was!”

“Oh come on! I haven’t slept with that many girls!”

(Song: Flyleaf - Something I Can Never Have)

Bella giggled. She knew that was the truth. Jacob had always seemed to have a girlfriend, but he hadn’t always slept with them. Still, she was certain he’d slept with more girls than she had slept with boys. In fact, he’d had way more girlfriends than she’d had boyfriends!

He grinned, “At least I’m not the one who likes flashing their boobs at the beach!”

“Hey! The stupid ties came loose and at least you, Embry and Leah were the only ones who saw it!”

Leah had been the first to see it and had quickly scrambled through the water to tie it up for Bella while Jacob could only laugh at the awed look on Embry’s face. Leah had then helped Bella dunk Jacob in retaliation while an embarrassed Embry swam back to shore.

Bella shoved his shoulder. “It’s not like you hadn’t seen my boobs before.”

Jacob smiled. “Yeah and it’s not like you haven’t seen my ass before either.”

Bella rolled her eyes as she sarcastically replied, “Whoop-de-do!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Hey! I happen to know chicks dig my ass!”

She tsked. “Yeah, ‘cause they’re blondes!”

“And horny…” he added with a mock serious face.

“And starved for attention,” she huffed.

“And greedy,” he growled.

The room went silent.

They both sat there lost in their thoughts of the past. Jacob realized that the only girl he’d dated that hadn’t fit the groupies, as Bella liked to call them, was Leah. All the others had been after Jacob for his looks, the attention they got, his supposed expertise in bed or for his money.

He sighed. “She’s after my money, isn’t she?”

It was more of a statement, but Bella shrugged. “I really don’t know. You’d have to ask her.”

He knew she was just being polite, it was the way she’d always been. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the headboard.

“I’ll talk to dad. Hopefully he can help me call the wedding off and take care of everything else.”

He heard her soft reply. “Okay.”

She didn’t say anything else, simply sat there holding his hand and let him have some time to think. He wished Vanessa had done that, or any of his other girls for that matter. Why couldn’t he find someone who simply liked him for himself? Why did it always have to be a game? He wondered if there were any women out there who were straightforward and real. Were there any who didn’t mind the comfortable silences or the times apart?

Why did they always have to be so clingy…especially after he’d slept with them? Jacob suddenly realized that Bella had been the only one who hadn’t been clingy after sex. It amazed him that she hadn’t even acted awkward after the fact, especially since it had been their first time ever. It still amazed him to this day that they had lost their virginity to each other and made him wonder if she still thought about it from time to time.

He knew he did.

He’d thought about it a lot in the months that had followed. He’d even thought about it the few times one of his partners had accused him of only wanting to have sex with them. Some of them had been right, but there had been a couple of them whom he’d seriously thought would have known better. It wasn’t always just sex to him.

What he’d shared with Bella hadn’t been just sex to him, but when she hadn’t brought it up ever again, he’d eventually managed to convince himself that maybe it was. Then when she’d started dating Nicholas later that year, he’d let it go and concentrated on his own social life.

Still, he wished he could find more women like her.

He let out another sigh, prompting Bella to give his hand another squeeze. “Jake? Something else on your mind?”

He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, wondering what he should say to her. Finally he shrugged and blurted out the truth.

“Just thinking about our first time. How it seemed so simple back then.”

(Song: Evanescence - Good Enough)

Bella looked away from his profile as she thought back to that day. In a way, maybe it had been simple. They had only been sixteen after all. But she knew now how much it had really affected her. It may have been the first time she’d ever had sex, but looking back, she realized she’d been guilty of comparing all her other partners to Jacob.

It may have only been once, and so many years ago, but she still remembered it. Even if her mind had distorted it into something much more romantic and sensual than it had really been, she couldn’t deny that it was the reason why she’d never been able to get really serious with anyone since then. She knew she couldn’t tell him that she’d compared everyone else to him. She couldn’t tell him that no one else had ever come close and all of them had failed to be what she’d needed.

Most of all, she knew she couldn’t tell him how she really felt about him now, even though it sounded like he was breaking up with Vanessa.

Jacob lowered his head and turned to face her. Lifting his free hand, he cupped her chin and turned her head until he could look into her eyes.

Giving her a sad smile he said, “I was just wondering why all women can’t be like you. Why can’t they all be sweet, caring and real like you are? You’re so smart and independent, and you don’t have to talk my ears off all the time. Why do all women seem to have an ulterior motive when it comes to me?”

“I…I don’t know…Jake.”

He sighed as he let his fingers trail along her jaw line then up over her cheek.

“It’s not fair,” he whispered huskily. “The only perfect woman in the world…and she just happens to be my best friend.”

Jacob couldn’t help but savor the softness of her skin as he continued to stroke her cheek. Bella’s tongue peeked out to moisten her bottom lip, drawing his gaze to it.

He briefly wondered if her lips were as soft as her skin and realized that even though they’d lost their virginity to each other, they’d never even shared a kiss. He swallowed and licked his own lips as he let his thumb brush over her moistened one.

“Do you know,” he whispered, “of all the things we’ve shared over the years, we’ve never shared a real kiss.”

Bella’s breath hitched as she realized what he said was true.

“Jake…”

He didn’t let her finish as he slid his hand behind her neck and pulled her to him until their lips met. Bella didn’t move except to press her free hand against his chest while he brushed his lips over hers. He sighed as he noticed that her lips were much softer and warmer than he’d imagined.

“Jake…” she mumbled against his mouth.

“Bells,” he mumbled back before he deepened the kiss.

Bella pushed her hand against his chest, but when he swiped his tongue over her lips in such a sensuous way that elicited a whimper from her and made her lightheaded, she couldn’t help but grab his shirt in her fist in an attempt to keep herself from floating away.

Jacob took that as a sign to continue, so he let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her back. Tilting her head back with his other hand, he teased her lips until they parted for him and slid his tongue inside her mouth.

Bella trembled as his tongue brushed against hers again and again until she was breathless and clinging to his shirt with both hands. He slid one hand up into her hair as if to anchor her to his mouth. He guided her arms around his shoulders with his other hand, before sliding it around her back once more.

Never letting up on devouring the sweet taste of her mouth, Jacob guided Bella down onto her back and stretched his body over hers. Reaching a hand out, he found the switch to her lamp and with a flick of his fingers, the room plunged into darkness.